Sunday, October 11, 2009

Here comes the bride...the battle of the buldge...


I was MIA as I was in NY for a wedding. My college roommate's beautiful daughter was married on Saturday night on Long Island.

I had been dieting since May for this wedding so that I could fit into my long black dress for this black tie affair. To prepare for battle, or in this case to wear my long black dress, I had to suit up first underneath. Your know what I mean? I had to dive way back into my lingerie drawer for what I call my super gal secrets to help defeat the battle of the bulge. With the help of a whole lot of Spanx and tummy control panels, I was finally able to zip that dress with an inch to spare. Spanx says that when you put them on you want to sing. Well, I certainly sang in a high pitched voice as all my fat rolls were pushed up into my vocal cords. I went from being an alto to a soprano in five seconds flat. I could now sing like a canary and not a fat lady. I also took a giant extra strength Tylenol because all the fat cells pushing up towards my brain cells gave me one huge headache. Gosh for a while there I thought I was having a stroke. I danced the night away with ease without a fat bulge any place in sight unless you count my eyes which were now popping out of my head.

It sure was hard to wiggle out of all that spandex when it was time to use the little girls room. You can certainly get a work out just trying to pull all those garments down, not to mention how hard it was to pull them all back up. Talk about a work out. Why is it that those pantyhose never want to go back up? I finally pulled and wiggled and twisted just like Chubby Checker until I had every single garment back into place. I stepped up to the mirror and guess what I saw? My neck and face were void of wrinkles. All those under garments pushed all my fat rolls into my neck and face and made me look 10 years younger. Wow those Spanx items sure have it all over botox for a whole lot less money. Not a wrinkle to be found. It was a miracle!

My dangling carrot for dieting was to allow myself a piece of wedding cake. I have to say that when you give up cake for a few months they say after the first bite you will be satisfied. Not true! I ate my piece and a few bites of my husbands cake and only then was I was satisfied. It was so intoxicating. After that I remember nothing because the sugar high hit me like a ton of bricks and I was delirious. So delirious that I was hallucinating that I was a sausage in a casing. I ran back to the little girls room one more time and took off all the Spanx and stuffed them into my purse. I have one word to describe the feeling "Relief". Yes, I surendered to the battle of the bulge but just until the next wedding comes around!

Do you have any battle of the bulge secrets?
Inquiring minds want to know.
* I have to say that I really do like Spanx a whole lot better then other products on the market.

55 comments:

  1. Oh my!! You had me laughing at this post. I know what you mean with all that spandex. I did the same for 3 weddings I went to, one of which was my son's. I would pray that I would not have to go pee much while I had those on. At the last wedding, all the fat went to my ankles because my feet and ankles were so swollen that day.

    At each of those three weddings I wore a different outfit that I made. You know I have not worn any of those three since. I wonder why??

    Hope you had a great time there.

    ~Linnea

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  2. LOL, I hate spanx. and after you finally do get them up after all that wiggling, you have to go to the bathroom again :) Men definitely invented those. or some really skinny woman. Really skinny.

    Great post! Where on Long Island were you?

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  3. Cute post!!! Good Girl, now go put those spandex back where they belong... in the bottom of a rarely used drawer!!!! Hope you enjoyed every bit of cake, MMMMmmmm, xoxo~Kathy @ Sweet Up-North Mornings...

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  4. Hi Joyce,
    Me too! Whenever there is a special occasion, the first thing I think of is what dresses to wear...haha...
    Love your blog's new background.

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  5. Lol!!!Joyce, that is sooooo funny!! Your description of the whole process is hysterical and so true!!
    Oh I hope that cake was so delicious, too!
    Thanks so much for the laugh!
    Rock on!
    Hugs,
    Lynn♥

    ~Let FREEDOM Ring!~

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  6. Great! Love your sense of humor. If we can't laugh at ourselves, it is very sad. Have a wonnderful week.

    Charla

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  7. Too funny..bet it was a relief to get them off!

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  8. I am over here laughing out loud!! G-Man thinks I have lost my mind. (He always suspected)
    I have wrangled a few spanx in my lifetime too!

    Gotta love that sugar high! And then you hit bottom! That's why you have to eat a little more cake.
    Rhonda

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  9. This post cracked me up Joyce! :-D

    I dieted so hard for my son's wedding and lost 35 pounds yet I had to wear a corset type undergarment to give me an hour glass figure I wanted for my gown. It was beastly hard to get into and out of!

    I must buy a Spanx... I need a miracle type gut tightener with a botox side effect..lol

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  10. That was quite funny! I know when I pull out the Spanx, I try to limit what I drink! They never seem to go back up properly and a tiny bathroom stall is never enough room to jump and wiggle and try to get them up! Glad you had fun!

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  11. Really funny post! You made me smile on a Monday morning. I've done that in the past- and was so uncomfortable I spent the entire time wondering when I could go home and take it off! BTW: a drink has the same effect as a piece of cake after all that dieting.

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  12. Oh too funny! But I do remember those days! Now I just let it all hang out! Have a good one and thanks for visiting!

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  13. This was just too funny, I know that Spanx feeling only too well.
    Luckily life in rural Normandy means I don't have to experience it too often.
    Maggie

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  14. Hilarious post! I too remember what spandex feels like, but these days, I'm more into comfort. Have a great week! :D

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  15. Joyce, you're a hoot! This is so funny! What a beautiful bride! Now I was waiting for a photo of you in all of your gloryness! and it wasn't there! I could feel the burn when you were pulling off those undie things! :)
    Be a sweetie,
    Shelia ;)

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  16. Joyce - soooo funny! But I do love Spanx. They have "saved the day" many a time for me! About the cake....MORE is always better : )
    Linda

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  17. I hate pantyhose and so rarely do I wear them. I dont own any Spanx .. my cure for tight clothing is to avoid salt completely, avoid wine the week of the event and drink lots more water. I dont eat the day of whatever event it is then I can eat dinner or whatever meal is being served and not feel guilty.

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  18. Arrgghhh weddings and dieting. Such punishment. I need to diet but we'll see how that comes along. Thanks for stopping by my blog to see my fall stuff. To answer your question- the paint color in that room is my favorite color- cup of cocoa by Behr. I have it in that room, master bedroom and will be doing my craft room, hallway and stairwell in it too. Such a great neutral to work other things off of.
    tammy

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  19. So funny!!! I cannot stand anything tight on my waist....just cannot breathe...
    Love the pumpkin background!!!

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  20. Oh my Joyce! That is too funny!! I have been there for sure LOL It was a military ball and I didn't reach my goal, so I tuned to spanx. It works, but the bathroom was a very scary thing ;)

    rue

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  21. This is just the funnniest blog that I have ever read, Joyce. LOL! Thank you so much for the entertainment!...Christine

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  22. Hi Joyce! You left a comment on my blog today (www.grasshopperviewpoints.blogspot.com) which was very intriguing so went over and checked your profile to find out where you are from--Atlanta! One of my favorite places to visit and the home of a precious friend. Beyond that I was surprised at how many interests we share. I am a photographer and quiltmaker and baking and cooking are also high on my list--that is when I'm not traveling! So I checked out your blog and it is delightful. I look forward to following your very delightful take on life!

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  23. I've been letting it all hang out for decades now. No spandex for me, and I eat my cake too!

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  24. How funny, Joyce! And I am soooo feeling your pain! What is it about weddings that leads to dieting? And I also usually wind up heading to the restroom and taking all that stiff off! Relief! Happy week!...Debbie

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  25. Hi Joyce, im so glad you stopped by to visit me, thank you. This post has totally made my day, absolutely hilarious!!!!!!
    hugs
    janet

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  26. Thanks for stopping by! We were in NY for a wedding this weekend too, but on the other end of the state.

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  27. Hi,
    Your avatar caught my eye on Mildred's blog. Glad I came over, that was one funny post. I enjoyed looking at the quilts as well.

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  28. Oh my...you've got me laughing sooo hard with this post!! It's the mental pictures that really gave me a belly laugh (pun intended)!!!
    I've never been brave enough to try Spanx...for fear they'd become permanently fixed to my jelly rolls. I do wish they'd invent a Spanx bra. At my age...you start to look at hydraulics with a whole new perspective!

    Wedding cake is always a worthy reward....

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  29. I love this post...thanks for the laugh today! I agree sometimes it is so painful to look beautiful! Why do we do it? Thanks for visiting me a few days ago!

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  30. LOL! It is hard to go to the bathroom when you're all "suited up". I always call them my squeezers!

    Manuela

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  31. Three cheers for Spanx!!! I always give them their due, those things work overtime, don't they? I do know about the cake thing. Someone should have warned you before you split your Spanx!

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  32. LOL you're so funny! Spanx are so uncomfortable! Wedding cake is my favorite so I'm glad you allowed your self some :)

    :) T

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  33. HI, I just stopped by to say thanks for the nice comment on by Autumn hutch.

    I got quite a chuckle when reading about your bathroom adventures ~ when dealing with Spanx.

    Good thing they come off easier than they go on!!!

    I'll be back to read more.

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  34. Hi Joyce
    Thansk for you comment! The narrow house is sort of like a rich man's tree house isn't it? LOL! I have a small house but at least I can turn around in it :-D

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  35. Great post! Your way with the words has me laughing hysterically. Here in the Ozarks we consider shoes and underwear optional. I don't do spandex but I'd try it for a face-lift! Heeeheeehe!

    Have a super comfortable day!

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  36. I need a reason to lose weight too! I'm going to have to try the Spanx!

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  37. OK, this is so hilarious, I absolutely can relate! Glad you were able to reward yourself for the hard work!
    Debra

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  38. This raised one eyebrow and then the other one. I enjoyed that feeling and the smile was natural.

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  39. That is such a cute story, Joyce! I love it!

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  40. Hi Joyce and thank you for your visit today and your well wishes for my daughter! I really do appreciate you.
    Be a sweetie,
    Shelia ;)

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  41. Joyce-I could envision every minute! I have given up on those things--after all it has to somewhere and I hate for my eyes to bulge too! I don't know how people ever wore corsets--guess that explains all those mean and unhappy looking people in old photos! And by the way, not only are we not allowed to schedule weddings or births during football season, we have to consider duck and turkey season at my house as well--if you want my husband there :)

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  42. Awwww...bless you for going to so much trouble for your college friend! I went to wedding a few yrs ago of my college friends eldest daughter. We had a blast! Sounds like you had a great time too!

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  43. Restricting garments make me go mad!!!!! I just can't, it's bad enough I have to wear undies and a bra. But kudos to you. And you're hysterical!!!!!

    Thanks for coming by, and love your header. Is that a real setting in your life?

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  44. Yahoo for you....so glad you were able to pick up some of those adorable sock monkey slippers! I love mine and they are looking up at me right now!

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  45. Beautiful bride...Your description of your day at the wedding was just delightful...and, Yes, I confess, I have done things similar to this. Like Tight tummy tucking panty hose, and putting my belt too tight hoping my waist line would look slimmer....NOT! Thank you for the laugh needed it today...

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  46. That is hysterical...and so true! I tried those on once and I couldn't breathe! What a great story! And thanks for stopping by my blog for a visit! i will be back again!

    Stay Cozy, Carrie

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  47. Just wanted to say THANKS for all those amazing quilt photos. What beautiful variety, color, and design. I'm with you that the ocean quilt is the most lovely. The greens and blues are gorgeous.

    Josie Ray
    Appalachian Dream

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  48. OH you are so funny...been there done that...what a girl will do to fit into a dress...that's why woman that wore corsets fainted all the time...LOL

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  49. Yes, but if you took off the spandex how did you zip that dress back up!!....or did the fat remain in your face lol! Once in a while I have worn a girddle thingy--too uncomfortable!

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  50. OMG! I'm so glad you visited me tonight. I've been giggling over your blog. My mother who lives with me has had an ongoing commentary about my tummy this week. I think I'll go buy some spanx and pretend that I did the exercises she told me to do!! Arghhhhh
    I am almost 50 and she is a very bored 78 yer old!

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  51. Joyce that was such a funny story! How fun did the wedding sound! LOL!

    I'll bet that pice of cake was intoxicating.
    Sigh....Diets are so HARD!

    Many Blessings and Happy Fall!
    ~Melissa :)

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  52. The only thing worse that getting into and out of shapeware is doing it with fake fingernails.

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